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0901 When the evening comes, even if she is energetic in daytime, she becomes low-spirited like a human. She has a fever now. And she is fighting with illness now. - 127
0902 In the daytime of today, though she was not able to utter voice, she was quickly shaking her tail feathers when she moves. She was high-spirited. Not in a hurry, I will do my best while praying to God tomorrow. - 128
0903 Friday, May 21, 2004 At seven o'clock of the evening yesterday, I suddenly made up my mind. And I called the animal hospital in Sagami-ohno. I explained her state. And, I asked the hospital to send the medicine by the end of today. However, I was not able to receive medicine today. - 129
0904 When I touched her belly, I was able to feel the bone of her belly clearly from yesterday. And the amount that she eats has decreased. She is in a dangerous state. Although she is escaping the critical condition by mealworms now, if I do not make her take medicine, she is very dangerous. - 130
0905 Her medicine should arrive in the morning tomorrow. Although I sometimes tore bread and give a little to her, I make her eat more bread tomorrow. Anyway, I must stop her becoming weak. Although I waited till 9 PM today, the medicine did not arrive at last. My physical strength has come to the limit. - 131
0906 But, if I am defeated, she cannot win the fight with the sickness. Today, I will confirm the temperature of her sleep place again and sleep as soon as possible. Whether she becomes well is dependent on the medicine of tomorrow. I went to the post office twice to send her excrement for inspection to the animal hospital at 9 AM today. - 132
0907 Saturday, May 22, 2004 At about 10 AM, I received a telephone call from Kumiko (my younger sister) who lives near my house. I told her Chie is sick. Before noon, I received the medicines of Chie, together with the food of Kuro and the medicine which strengthens liver, from the animal hospital, by home delivery service. The medicine which strengthens liver is the one which I always give her. - 133
0908 There were 2 kinds of liquid medicines. That is to say, they are the Antibiotic ("Kohseibusshitsu" in Japanese) and the Antiphlogistic ("Shohenzai" in Japanese). In addition, there was two sheets of paper that wrote the method of use in detail. Immediately, I said to her, "Your medicines arrived", and though I tried to give a drop of white liquid antibiotic medicine to her, she hated the medicine and vomited it. - 134
0909 However, I forcibly gave a drop of liquid antibiotic medicine to her. Next, I was able to give three drops of liquid antiphlogistic medicine to her. In the afternoon, though I was looking at her state, she was opening her mouth widely. And, she was breathing painfully, saying, "Hah Hah". The motion of her chest was also intense. - 135
0910 Though she ate food in the morning, she did not eat food at all in the afternoon. She drank only water. And, she opened her mouth, her breath was also rough and she seemed to be very painful. She comes to the entrance of the cage and was shouting, asking for me to come, though she couldn't utter voice. I persuaded her, saying, "I think that you are very painful. - 136
0911 However, because you took the medicines, you get well again at once." She completely understands my saying. Before five o'clock, I said to her, "The time when you sleep has come" as usual, took down the window shades and prepared for making her go to sleep. By my sign of this, she always goes to the table, saying, "Chih, chih", and begins to eat food. And Ann begins to shout in a honeyed voice like a baby bird. - 137
0912 Though this is her daily work, she cannot utter voice now. However, she understands the sleeping time came. Because she cannot eat usual food, I gave her the mealworms. She jumped soon and ate them. However, she slavered from the mouth after a while, and she vomited all which she had eaten. - 138
0913 Because she seemed to be painful, I gave two drops of liquid Antiphlogistic medicine to her, and I put her to sleep. Because I gave medicines to her today, I thought that she probably becomes well tomorrow. I gave a sigh of relief. "She becomes well tomorrow." I thought so. And I took the bath for the first time in four days. - 139
0914 Sunday, May 23, 2004 I got up at 6 AM today. Especially this morning, I prepared for her carefully. After 8 AM, I woke her up, and I have put her in the large cage of the south room. She ate a lot of food. I could escape from anxiety for a while. Before 9 AM, I gave the medicines to her. Immediately after that, she began to open the mouth, and, the motion of her chest became intense. She hardly ate food in the afternoon. - 140
0915 She came to the place at the entrance of the cage, jumped a little and demanded that I let her out of the cage. After that, she was almost in the vicinity of the entrance and was trying to let me know her painfulness. I took her out of the cage, and when I have put her in my right hand, she slept happily, opening her mouth, in it for about 30 minutes. The motion of her chest which was intense became quiet. - 141
0916 I did not think that this becomes the last opportunity for me to embrace her. Near four o'clock, because she doesn't eat food, I unavoidably gave the mealworms to her. Though she ate the mealworms, she has vomited all like yesterday. Her energy was lost, and she squatted down on the floor of the cage. Because her temperature began to fall, I decided to put her to sleep immediately. I thought variously. - 142
0917 I made the one which bread, the vitamin preparation and the yolk mixed with milk. And as soon as I made her drink it by the syringe with no needle, her throat was blocked, and she discontinued breathing. 4:15PM. When I think now, there was no consciousness that "I made her die." Tears hardly fell. I think that it is because I had often said to her as follows before. That is, "Even if one of us leaves this world early, we are always together." For the first time, I loved her from the bottom of my heart. - 143
0918 No, I love her. Hereafter, it is the same. The medicines which we waited for. However, her life has been shortened by this. In the evening, I telephoned Kumiko (my younger sister), to tell her of Chie's death, and to tell her that I go to the home center because of buying the box for the grave of Chie. She said crying, "I give you a ride in my car and go together." There was a telephone again, saying that "Since it became impossible for me to go to your house at 6:30, I telephone you later." - 144
0919 I was waiting for the telephone, but there was no telephone though it became 7 PM. At 7:15PM, there was a telephone call from not Kumiko but her husband, saying that "We can not go because we have an important matter." I thought that I am in time for the closing hour of the home center, if I go there now. So although it was raining heavily,I went to the store by bicycle. When I was riding on a bicycle, tears flowed endlessly. - 145
0920 I was uttering the big voice. I was completely covered with the sound of the rain, the sound of cars and the darkness. I bought a small wooden box, a photo frame, a magic pen and so on at the store. On the way, I went to the supermarket and came back home. Though I can not hear Chie's voice, though I can not look at Chie, we are always together according to our promise and as before. - 146
0921 Chie doesn't have any friends. For her, I am everything. For me, she is everything. I lived for these five years only for her. Similarly, she lived for five years only for me. Hereafter, it is the same. God permits us to be together surely from now on. Therefore, I do not cry. I do not think that I am lonely. - 147
0922 Monday, May 24, 2004 I woke up at 3 AM. I took a nap for about one hour. After that, I recorded about Chie until six o'clock. As usual, I began to prepare the meal of Chie and Ann at six o'clock. I woke up Chie at eight o'clock. I exchanged the tissue paper which was in her small cage for sleeping, I took 15 photos of her, and I held her in my right hand for a while. After that, I returned her to the cage. - 148
0923 Because I have released Ann from his cage to the room today, I shut the entrance of the cage which Chie is in, in order to prevent Ann from entering the cage of Chie. Though her body was hard when I laid her body on her bed to put her to sleep yesterday, her body was soft today. Because water came out of her mouth a little, I wiped her mouth with the tissue paper. - 149
0924 At 10 AM, although I felt languid, I went to the hospital and received the medicine of the blood pressure. In order that I keep her body in the present state, I bought activated carbon of coconut husk, and two kinds of desiccants at the home center. After that, I shopped in the supermarket and came back home. - 150
0925 As soon as I came back home, I have put activated carbon and desiccants in the box of the grave. And I made her bed and pillow with some sheets of tissue paper and laid her on the bed. Next I covered her body with two sheets of tissue paper instead of the futon and have put the lid on her box. From now on, Chie is together with me as usual. I desire that God allows it. Chie has no partner who loves except me. I also have no partner who loves from the bottom of my heart except Chie. - 151
0926 Hereafter, even if I leave this world, I am together with Chie. The soul of Chie is always together with me. We are always together forever. I desire that God allows it. From today, I record as much as possible about how Chie lived till now, before I forget. And I leave one book to this world together with Chie. I leave the proof that Chie and I lived in this world. What I do from now is to record my violin performances, and to leave Chie's book to this world.
0927 Although I did not record till now because I did not have the time to think about another thing after she became sick, I gathered the seed of wild roses in Wienerwald and grew them in Japan. The flowers of wild roses are blooming beautifully now. The flowers of Chinese Milk Vetch are blossoming beautifully, too. When the flowers of the wild roses and the Chinese Milk Vetch bloom every year, I remember Chie. - 153
0928 In the evening, a spotted butterfly was on the leaf of the wild rose. The name of the butterfly is "Japanese Circe". Japanese name is "Gomadara-cho", and the scientific name is "Hestina japonica". It is a very beautiful butterfly. It is the first time that I see the butterfly though I have often seen it in the photos. When I was a child, I have seen a strange larva which has two corners once. At that time, I did not know it is this butterfly's larva. - 154
0929 Because I did not know what this larva eats, I have made the larva die after all. Moreover, it is very happy to be able to see this butterfly at my veranda. It seems that the butterfly spends night here. When I was putting the body of Chie on my right hand as usual, a sparrow came to my veranda for the first time. I suddenly thought the sparrow has come in order to take Chie to her friend's place. Though I manage to be able to endure loneliness in the daytime, when I go to sleep, because it is impossible that I hear Chie's spry voice as before, lonesomeness wells up and it becomes impossible that I endure loneliness.
0930 I arrange her photos, her videos, and the records of her voice as soon as possible, in order that I can continue to live together with Chie. God is looking at everything. God knows everything. Moreover, God is foreseeing everything. I am alive under God. I am alive together with Chie. I thank God. I thank God who made me do various experiences. Although it was raining heavily yesterday, it cleared up completely today. And I thought like a lie the weather which continued until now like the rainy season.
0931 Monday, May 31, 2004 I ordered a small box made of paulownia wood for Chie by Internet. I heard that the box is delivered 15 days after. - 157
0932 Wednesday, June 2, 2004 It was hot like summer today. I changed the desiccants and the tissue paper with new ones in the morning. Her body was still soft. Water hardly came out from her body. About noon, I walked along the usual course and went shopping listening to the voice of Chie with MD(mini disc). Tears unconsciously flowed on my cheeks. A cuckoo was on the electric wire which is near the bridge of the Abukuma river. And it was shouting in loud voice, "Kakko, Kakko". - 158
0933 I saw the cuckoo for the first time. I bought activated carbon, desiccants and candles at the home center. After that, I shopped at the supermarket and came back home. Three sparrows came flying near my place on my way home. And one of three sparrows was taking the posture to receive courtship from another sparrow. It is the same posture as Chie sometimes showed to me. By this scene, I understood Chie is a girl. - 159
0934 Saturday, June 5, 2004 In the afternoon, like I taught her how to take a bath when she was a child, I moved my two fingers alternately in the receptacle full of water. I had her take the bath by such a method. After that, I took a nap together with her. I got the happy feeling which I have never experienced up to now. Certainly, Chie is alive together with me. Chie also is desiring like that. God has allowed it. I can understand it. - 160
0935 Thursday, June 10, 2004 I received a small box made of paulownia wood for Chie in the morning. The price was 11,735 yen. I went shopping listening to the voice of Chie by MD(mini disc) at 1 PM. When I was thinking about Chie today, I realized, "The death is a part of life". Surely, Chie is alive together with me now. - 161
0936 Friday, June 11, 2004 About 6:30AM, I changed the water of the vase, stood the candle, and have put the body of Chie in the new small box made of paulownia wood. I laid the activated carbon in the bottom of the box, laid the tissue paper on it, laid the desiccants and preservative on it, and laid five sheets of tissue paper on it instead of the bed. I made the pillow with the tissue paper, I turned her head to left side and I laid Chie on the bed. Finally I covered the body of Chie with the futon of the tissue paper. - 162
0937 Chie is shortening the right leg and extending the left leg. Although I tried to lengthen the right leg, I felt that it is impossible. Therefore, I stopped it. Chie is sleeping in the beautiful state. From now on, on the 23rd every month, I check the state of the body of Chie and exchange the things in the box. I washed the handkerchief of the floral print of Chie, covered the small box with it. Chie is always together with me. I do not make her lonely. - 163
0938 Monday, June 14, 2004 After 4 AM, I woke up by the twitter of a sparrow of the veranda. Though it was like the twitter of Chie, it was entirely different from hers. Though Chie is the same sparrow, she is entirely different from other sparrows. Chie's shout is "the voice to call me" and "the voice to talk with me." I clearly understood it now. The voice of Chie that I recorded is also the same. Chie is always asking for me and is always speaking to me. It is the same now. We are always conveying feelings to each other. I am very happy. I thank God together with Chie. - 164
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すずめの写真　19
Sparrow's Photos 19